Understanding Pronouns: A Simple Guide to Respecting Identity
She/Her/He/Him/They/Their/Xe/Xim
Pronouns are small words, but they can make a big difference to how we experience belonging, acceptance and respect.
You might have noticed people including pronouns such as she/her, he/him or they/them in their email signatures, social media profiles or when introducing themselves.
But what exactly are pronouns, why do they matter, and what should you do if you’re unsure which ones to use?
At Pride Space, we believe that creating inclusive environments starts with understanding one another. This guide explores pronouns, their relationship with gender identity, and some simple ways we can all communicate more thoughtfully.
What are pronouns?
Pronouns are words we use instead of someone’s name when talking about them.
We use pronouns all the time, often without giving them much thought.
For example:
- She/her: “Alex is coming to the meeting. She said she’ll arrive at two.”
- He/him: “Daniel has finished his appointment. He’ll be back next week.”
- They/them: “Sam left their phone behind. I’ll make sure they get it back.”
Although pronouns are a normal part of everyday language, they can also be an important expression of someone’s gender identity. Some people use pronouns traditionally associated with being a man or a woman. Others use gender-neutral pronouns, or a combination of different pronouns.
There isn’t one set of pronouns that works for everyone.
Why do pronouns matter?
For many people, having their pronouns used correctly is a simple but meaningful way of feeling recognised.
Imagine being regularly called by the wrong name. You might correct someone once or twice, but if it kept happening, you could begin to feel that they weren’t listening to you or respecting who you are.
Being referred to by the wrong pronouns can create similar feelings.
For transgender, non-binary and gender-diverse people in particular, being addressed correctly can be an important part of feeling comfortable, respected and safe.
Repeatedly using someone’s incorrect pronouns is sometimes referred to as misgendering. This may happen accidentally, but it can also be deliberate. While occasional mistakes happen, consistently disregarding someone’s pronouns can affect their sense of belonging and emotional wellbeing.
Using someone’s pronouns correctly isn’t about getting every word perfect. It’s about recognising the person in front of you and treating them with respect.
Understanding they/them pronouns
One question people sometimes ask is whether they can refer to just one person.
The answer is yes. In fact, most of us already use singular they in everyday conversation.
For example:
“Someone left their umbrella in the café. I hope they come back for it.”
We don’t necessarily know the person’s gender, so we naturally use they.
Some people, including some non-binary people, use they/them as their personal pronouns.
For example:
“Taylor has joined our volunteer team. They’re looking forward to meeting everyone.”
It may take a little practice if you’re unfamiliar with using these pronouns for a particular person, but the language itself is nothing unusual.
Can someone use more than one set of pronouns?
Absolutely. You might meet someone who uses she/they, he/they or another combination. There are different reasons for this. Some people feel comfortable being referred to using more than one set of pronouns, while others may have preferences depending on their circumstances.
For example:
“Robin is one of our volunteers. He helps coordinate activities, and they’re also involved in planning our community events.”
However, don’t assume that someone wants their different pronouns used interchangeably. They may have a preference, and it’s perfectly reasonable to ask. It’s also worth remembering that some people use different pronouns in different environments. Someone might feel comfortable using a particular set of pronouns among friends but not at home or at work.
Respecting their privacy is just as important as respecting their identity.
What about other pronouns?
Some people use pronouns beyond he, she and they. These are sometimes called neopronouns.
Examples include xe/xem and ze/zir.
These pronouns may be unfamiliar to you, and you might not immediately know how to pronounce or use them. That’s okay. You can politely ask someone how their pronouns are pronounced or used. Some people prefer not to use pronouns at all, instead asking others to refer to them by their name. The important thing is to approach unfamiliar language with curiosity rather than judgement.
How do I know which pronouns someone uses?
The simplest answer is that you can’t always tell by looking at someone. Clothing, hairstyles, voices and physical appearance don’t necessarily tell us how a person identifies or which pronouns they use.
If it’s relevant to your conversation, you can ask politely:
“What pronouns do you use?”
Alternatively, you might introduce yourself with your own pronouns:
“Hi, I’m Chris, and I use he/him pronouns.”
This creates an opportunity for the other person to share theirs if they wish. However, nobody should feel obliged to disclose their pronouns. For some people, doing so may feel uncomfortable or could reveal something about their identity they’re not ready to share.
If you’re uncertain, you can use the person’s name until you know how they’d like to be addressed.
What if I accidentally use the wrong pronouns?
Mistakes happen, particularly when we’re learning something new or adjusting to a change. What’s most important is how you respond.
Imagine you’re talking about someone called Morgan, who uses they/them pronouns:
“Morgan said he’d be here at three — sorry, they’d be here at three.”
A brief correction is usually all that’s needed.
You don’t need to apologise repeatedly, explain yourself at length or turn the conversation into a discussion about how difficult you find using different pronouns.
Lengthy apologies can sometimes place the other person in the uncomfortable position of reassuring you.
If you make a mistake:
- Acknowledge it briefly.
- Correct yourself.
- Continue the conversation.
- Make an effort to remember next time.
If you’re finding a particular set of pronouns unfamiliar, practising privately can help them become part of your natural vocabulary.
Learning is a process, and a willingness to make changes matters.
Creating spaces where everyone feels welcome
Inclusive language isn’t just about individual conversations. It’s also about the environments we create.
Whether you’re at work, attending a community group, meeting new people or accessing a service, there are small steps that can help everyone feel more comfortable.
Make space for introductions. Offering your own pronouns can help normalise conversations about them, without requiring anyone else to share.
Avoid making assumptions. Someone’s appearance, name or relationship doesn’t necessarily tell you their gender identity.
Respect people’s privacy. Don’t share information about someone’s gender identity or pronouns in another setting without knowing they’re comfortable with you doing so.
Be open to learning. Language evolves, and it isn’t necessary to understand every aspect of someone’s experience to treat them respectfully.
Respond thoughtfully to mistakes. Gentle corrections and a willingness to listen usually go much further than criticism or embarrassment.
An inclusive environment doesn’t require everyone to have identical experiences or perspectives. It asks us to recognise that other people’s identities and experiences deserve consideration.
Pronouns, identity and emotional wellbeing
For some LGBTQ+ people, questions around gender identity and how they are perceived by others can be deeply personal.
Someone may have spent years exploring their identity, wondering how others will react or deciding when and where they feel safe expressing themselves. Being addressed in a way that reflects their identity can provide a sense of recognition and acceptance. Equally, experiences of rejection, misunderstanding or persistent misgendering can contribute to feelings of isolation, anxiety or distress.
It’s important not to assume that everyone experiences these issues in the same way. Some people feel strongly connected to their pronouns, while others see them as a relatively small part of who they are. Both experiences are valid.
At PrideSpace, we recognise that identity is personal and that everyone deserves the opportunity to explore who they are without judgement or pressure.
What if I don’t understand someone’s identity?
You don’t need to fully understand another person’s experience to show them respect. It’s natural to encounter identities, expressions or terminology that are unfamiliar, particularly if they’re different from your own experiences. Questions can be an important part of learning, but it’s worth considering whether the person you’re speaking to wants to have that conversation.
Not everyone will feel comfortable explaining their identity, and nobody has a responsibility to educate others about their personal experiences. There are plenty of resources available to help us learn independently. Sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is simply listen.
Small changes can make a meaningful difference
Using someone’s pronouns correctly is one of many ways we can demonstrate respect. It doesn’t require us to know everything about gender identity or to get every interaction right. It means being willing to listen, acknowledge mistakes and treat people as they wish to be treated. At its heart, inclusion is about creating environments where people don’t have to fight to be recognised or respected. And often, that begins with something as simple as the words we choose. To find out more about pronouns and pronunciation visit this resource.
Finding support at Pride Space
Exploring your identity, navigating relationships or dealing with experiences of misunderstanding and rejection can sometimes feel overwhelming.
At PrideSpace, we provide an LGBTQ+ affirming environment where people can explore their thoughts, feelings and experiences without fear of judgement.
Our counselling services offer space to talk about identity, emotional wellbeing, relationships and the challenges that life can bring.
Whether you’re questioning your identity, looking for support or simply need someone to talk to, we’re here to listen.
You don’t have to have everything figured out before asking for support.
Find out more about Pride Space’s counselling services and how we can support you.